New Poem-

One day I prayed a prayer that changed my life forever

“God create in me a miracle,

bless me with eyes to see.

I know that you are there, 

But as hard as I search,

I cannot find you anywhere”

I said all this in innocence

barely over a year ago.

All in faith that He would fulfill

But with no idea of when or how

or any knowledge of what was in store

People’s trails rarely seem that bad,

when you’re on the outside looking in.

I always scoffed when people said they had been broken

Always said that I could make it through what they had.

But the tests set out before us

were laid out by the Father that knows us to our very core.

Being broken comes in many shapes and forms

For some it’s the commitment

Or a bruising and breaking down of an ego,

Other’s it is the chance that they may fail.

Being led through life’s storms

 is a promise God does reveal

In a girlish flight of feeling,

I gave my heart away

It felt so different, so strange 

But I fervently prayed the feelings would forever stay.

Little did I know God was about to grant my prayer

To create in me a miracle with new eyes to see

 I was broken, as far away from people as could be

Mentally, so I moved that it would also be physically.

Ten hours south, to the beach and the sun.

I was determined to start a new

To run in the ocean and have some fun.

At first my plan was working, 

and the pain seemed to dull

I decided to play a game with God

To see how long I could go

without His  hand to guide me

I was busy with school, and the beach

But ignoring God to prove a point

It left me feeling anything but full.

I embraced the sun, the weather and the warmth

But inside I still felt cold and dark, alone and full of fear

I refused, I did not want to hear

what other’s had to say to try and brighten up my day

It was then I began to learn

One’s worst life with God is better

than one’s best life without Him.

Once again I found myself before Him on the floor

Beginning to implore

“I want to be a miracle, I want a drastic change

The pain of being broken, is just too much to bear

God take me as you will, but don’t forget

to heal me as well.”

I wanted something immediate . 

A great light from heaven to strike me where I was

A bandage around my heart

to guide the pieces together

to calm the storms of my soul, and bring me to the light

I began to feel the forces start the fight

for my soul and who I am.

“God what are you doing? 

I do not understand, to go through 

all this pain, was never in my plan.”

One day I acted on a whim

I drove through the desert,and witnessed 

a wilderness and beauty

I never knew existed. 

God found me in the desert

Gave me water and let me live

I embraced His love and kindness

Took a walk along the beach

until I found a cliff. 

I overlooked the waves

felt so tiny, like a single grain of sand

Grateful and loved 

that I was important enough to be saved

I embraced my tears with ease

felt complete, and allowed my heart to bleed

I let go of all my fears.

Jesus was with there, hugging and loving me for me

I made it home, and the floor on bended knee

In the same place I first asked for 

a miracle and new eyes for me to see.

By faith I came to realize

By faith I made my plea

By grace Jesus answered,

even though I faltered, hated and I screamed

He never left my side

leading and holding me tighter everyday.

I was broken, made anew 

and would never have it any other way.

One day I prayed a prayer, because I knew my life was forever changed

“God you created in me a miracle,

gave me brand new eyes with which to see.

I know, Father that you are there,

and I search and I can see 

By faith I will now follow you anywhere”

How I Got Nowhere I Expected To Be...

I had an interesting experience with God, in a place that I never expected. But first let me rewind and explain my week leading up to my experience.

In chapel on Monday, we had a speaker come. Her name is Marian Jordon, she is a motivational speaker and writer of two books. The one that she talked about was "Wilderness Skills For Women-Dealing with heartbreak and other full blown meltdowns" In chapel, she shared her story of heartbreak, and being led into the wilderness. Let's just say, that her words were powerful, and I know they impacted many other girls in chapel that day other than me. I'm not a crier, but her words spoke to my heart and and I did shed a few tears. It was nice to know, that other people had been through what I had been through, that I devote follower, a motivational speaker had experienced heartbreak and the drought of being in the wilderness.

I don't know about you, but whenever I hear the word "wilderness," I think of mountains, and trees and maybe a creek running through the pretty trees and flowers dancing on the banks eventually ending up at a beautiful waterfall. I never took the time to think about the wilderness that Jesus was led to. The desert. For some reason, the words "wilderness" and "desert" did not go together in my mind. Then in my theology class, our professor put on a video. In the video, it explained how Jesus being led into the wilderness, was Jesus being led into a time of trials, doubt and drought from normal everyday things that make it possible to survive. I thought about this, and what Marian had said about her time in the wilderness, where she felt far away from God and in a drought of love, joy and every other emotion that makes one want to keep going, and constantly pursued by Satan asking her "Where is you God now?" and "How much do you love Him now?"

I went for a drive this weekend. On Friday, I left to visit my uncle in Arizona. It is a five hour drive through the desert. If any of you reading this, know me you also know that I have experienced my own battle with the wilderness the last several months. As I was driving, I decided to do what my theology professor had challenged us, to sit in silence with God and let Him speak to us. Since I had nothing better to do while driving through the desert, I tried it. Nothing happened....I got really frustrated. I started looking around at the ugly desert outside of my car. It was desolate and flat and ugly, and about half-way through my drive, I actually thought of turning around and driving back to school. I started asking God "why would you create something like this? There is nothing beautiful about this..." But then I was reminded of the fact that God doesn't create or do anything without a purpose, and He sees it as beautiful, and maybe I should try and find the beauty also. And I did. In the midst of all the flat ugliness, arose beautiful rock formations and mountains.

It wasn't until I reached my destination, that I realized that in the five hour drive I had witnessed a tangible and visual view of the wilderness I had been led through in the past few months. I drove through the desert mountain on a windy road that left me scared and shaking, much like I felt emotionally after losing some people and relationships very close to my heart. I got to the desert, where there was nothing around me for miles and miles in either direction except the road I was on, and the road that I could take to go back from where I started. It paralleled with how I felt after spring break, where I almost packed up and went home half-way through the semester, too afraid to see what was next. Eventually I got to my destination where I experienced the love and happiness of a family member I hadn't seen in years. God had taken through the desert and led me out, but more than that, there had been beauty in the midst of the wilderness that I never expected to find.

Felt like you should know...

"A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step."

I feel as if this school year, I've been on a journey of many thousands of miles. That I've learned more in the last six months about love, life, God, family, friends and myself than I've ever learned in my life.

I've learned that "love isn't about finding the perfect person, it's about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly," and that striving to be perfect for another individual isn't healthy or what love is about. One should not require you to fit a set of standards, and tear you down when you cannot reach the sky with only one try. That the Corinthians definition of love "Love is always patient; love is always kind; love is never envious or arrogant with pride. Nor is she conceited, and she is never rude; she never thinks just of herself or ever get annoyed.She never is resentful; is never glad with sin, but always glad to side with truth,whene'er the truth should win. She bears up under everything, believes the best in all, there is no limit to her hope,and she will never fall. " (International Standard Version) is true. I've learned that broken hearts, take time to heal and that the healing is different for everyone. I've learned that the saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me," is not true. At all. Words hurt. They leave a mark. That hurtful words, are not a part of love.

Life, that I've learned so far, is to be lived to the fullest. One should never be afraid to take chances, the worst that can happen, is that it doesn't work out.

God is always there. Always. And he never changes. Other people may change, but He is the same, yesterday, today, and forever as the Bible says in Hebrews 13:8. God does not base his love and care for us on conditions. He does not work with the "I love you until..." or "I love you but you need to do this in order for me to love you more." God loves, God cares, and God wants us to come to Him, even if we are angry.He wants us to share our feelings with Him. He will never turn His back on us.

I've learned that God gave us family for a reason. And that a family isn't about being the perfect all American family with a never divorced mom and dad, with 2.5 kids and a dog. A family comes in all shapes and sizes, all colors and interests.

I've learned that true friends are very rare.That some friends are only friends until inconvenient for them. That if something happens that you don't want to talk about, they won't hold that against you. They will stand by you, when the rest of the world walks out, even if they don't know what the bad thing was that happened. That when everyone else looks down on you, or says means things about you, to your face, or behind you back, true friends will be a shield to defend you, and a hand to pull you up. True friends will be the ones that drive an hour from their house to your school, because you called them on the phone crying, and even though they couldn't make sense of your words through your tears, it doesn't matter. They come to give you a hug. True friends are the ones that buy you pizza, when you haven't eaten for days, and take you out to midnight milkshakes. They're the ones that come to a family gathering, just for support, even if that means people they know will look down on them. They're the ones that come to see you, because they know that you can't come to them because of people you may run into. They are the people that offer the matches to burn somethings you need to let go of.

I've learned, that Dr. Seuss was a genius when he said "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those matter don't mind." I've learned to be content in who I am, and I will not apologize for that. I am your average girl, laughs when something is funny, cries when something hurts, lives for the next grand adventure.

I want to thank those that have been true friends through the past several months, Those that have accepted me as family. And apologize to those who I may have hurt.

Is or Isn't?

"I'd rather live my life as if there is a God, and die and find out that there isn't, then live my life like there is no God, and die and find out that there is."

I was thinking about this quote the other day. And it pretty much describes my whole outlook on life. I mean, it would suck, if I lived a life not believing in God, and being a horrible person, and then I died, and found out that there really was a God. I've had people ask me, "But what if you're wrong?"
Well, then I am wrong. But it seems to me that there's a lot more at stake living a life of not believing in God. If I am wrong, and there is no God, then I've lived a good life, and have been a better person because of it, and when I die I will become any number of things that people think happens after someone dies.
But if I live life like there is no God, and I die...then what?

Those same people that ask me why I believe in God, say that my faith is silly, and that its ridiculous to even have faith. But the funny thing is, those same people have some ounce of faith to stand so strongly on their opinions, whatever they may be.

I don't try and impose my beliefs on anyone, but it seems to me that it's a lot easier to believe that some being created everything, then to believe that we came from rocks. Especially when evolution technically can't be a theory, because no one has actually witnessed it happening. And a theory is something that has been proven by means through the scientific method. Which leaves Evolution as still a hypothesis, not a true, sound theory. A theory as state by S.E. Smith is "is a tested and testable concept to explain occurrences" and "theories are created after observing and testing." An example of a theory would be Newton's theory of gravity. He hypothesized, and tested and observed. Evolution has been hypothesized, but has not be actively observed. At least so far as Christianity is concerned, there are non-Christian documents stating the Christ lived, and was crucified for his teachings and after his death walked on the earth for 40 more days.

Like, I said, I could be wrong. But I'd rather live my life believing in God than not. It gives me hope, and without hope I'm not sure what I would do.

Poem--doesn't have a name yet

Well....It's been awhile since I've written poetry, so I'm a little rusty.


I feel my heart racing faster
and the smile that you give me
makes me feel warm.
I know that you can see
that I am head over heals for you.

It seems too good to be true.
You whispers of love and promises of always
My mind begins to unwind
I can't keep track of time.
Because I am head over heals for you.

I want to do dance,
you shake you head no and laugh,
but don't give my idea a chance.
I am helpless against your ways,
All because I was head over heels for you.

You give me a list of things to say,
ways to act and things to do.
I feel myself begin to drown,
powerless to bring myself to the surface,
All because I was head over heels for you.

No longer myself,
You had changed me into somebody else.
You said I was better, I didn't need the old me
And I didn't even try to fight it,
All because I was head over heels for you.

Slowly you start to pull away,
less time with me,
fewer calls, and less "I love you's"
I begin to fear you will not stay,
All because I am head of heals for you

You look deep into me eyes
and promise nothing is wrong,
and say you miss me and apologize,
it hurt when you lied, but I held my doubt inside
All because I was head over heels for you.

You told me you wanted me forever
that you would always stand my guard
You held my heart in your hand
And I never took a stand,
All because I was head over heels for you.

One day you sat me down,
there was no one else around,
You couldn't even look at me,
It was as if you didn't wish to see,
that I was head over heels for you

My heart began to shatter,
when you told me what was the matter.
"You will never be good enough."
And you gave me the reasons why
I hadn't the strength to cry.

The promises you made were broken
Everything you ever said was a lie.
You said you no longer wanted to be by my side.
I just wanted to say;
I'm no longer head over heels for you.

Thinking and feeling...

I've had time to think.... Think about life, changes, love and hurt.
In the book "Hind's Feet In High Place's" the Shepard says
"You can't have love without pain."
Love is exciting, it is exhilarating,
it is something fulfilling.
It feels nice.

The thought that when we need, we have that person,
who will be there to take our hand and make everything all better.
The person whose eyes we look into, and everything else just seems to disappear.
The person that tells you they can't imagine their life, without you in it,
and the person, where you feel the same.

The person that says "I want to spend forever with you."
And you want to spend forever with them.
The one person that made you laugh,
when you didn't even want to smile.
The one, when you were afraid to cry in front of others,
was their to catch you tears.
The look, the touch, that made you feel like
the only person in the room.

But love is also pain,
It can take just as much as it gives.
And it can end just as quickly as it began.
That point when the fears you used to have of
what is this is to good to be true?
Do become true, and it is no longer too good.
it is too horrible.

The pain, SO intense that you feel as if
everyone can see you crying on the inside,
even if you put on the brave face and smile.
The tears are gushing on the inside, and if people look
at you carefully enough, they can see your pain in your eyes.
The time that comes, when you stop looking at yourself
in the mirror, because you're afraid, that
if you see the pain in your eyes, you have to confront it.

You don't talk about it,
because you're afraid of how people will react.
Silly love, and heartache--they say it won't last forever.
But that's not what you want to hear,
Forever...it doesn't matter.
Time...loss...sometimes its all just too much
Tomorrow, next week...not forever,
All that you want is for the pain to end. Now.

I once had a friend say to me
"I can't hate him, even after all he has ever done to me
I love him too much to hate him."
I used to wonder how a person could not hate someone
after they broke their heart.
I never understood.
I never wanted to understand.

But now I do.
And it's not so much that I like the fact that I
allowed someone to make me feel this way.
Or that most people if they knew this is how I was feeling,
would scoff, or sigh and tell me to get over it.
Or even say that I have no right to feel this way,
because that person is a good person.
Or even that he was TOO good for me.
And its not that I'm saying he's bad or that he never was good
to me or for me.

I'm saying that right now, it hurts.
And there's more to the story
than what people see and hear.
The inadequacy that was felt,
the hurt, the fear,
the knowing that I could never live up to the expectation.
And the promises that could not be kept,
because I was ready for commitment,
but he wasn't.
That I was willing to change,
but he wasn't.
Hurts so much deep inside that I feel like the song
"Bother" by Stone Sour
(which ironically I heard from that one
person's Itunes).
"I wish I was to dead to care
if indeed I cared at all
never had the voice to protest
so you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season.
For this I gave up trying,
One good turn deserves me dying."

I know this all seems rather selfish,
me putting my feelings out here on display.
But the thing is,
It hurts.
A lot.

I don't want pity,
I don't want people to feel sorry for me.
I just want people to know that underneath
my smile and shining eyes,
that there is more.

The irony of it all,
is the being a psych major,
I know the text books rules and guidelines,
and how I'm supposed to process,
and how I'm supposed to deal.
But how I'm SUPPOSED to feel
versus how I DO feel.
They are not the same.

Plans...?

So, I love how whenever I think I have everything in my life all figured out, and then God humorously shows me that I have absolutely NO idea what I am doing. It's great fun. Not.
Sometimes, I feel like Elijah when God tells him to wait until the presence of the LORD passes by, and Elijah sees fire and earthquakes...and God is not in either of those. Or I feel like Bruce, in "Bruce Almighty" when he yells "God just give me a sign!!" And a sign truck drives by. Sometimes, I just want say to God "A sign...okay, I asked for one, care to be a little more specific?" And...God's not specific enough...or rather not specific enough in MY timing, which usually in my mind is more important at the time, than when God wants to carry out plans. Sometimes life takes patience.

"Patience is the ability to count down before blasting off." ~Anonymous~
I don't possess patience. I want to have everything figured out and know what's going to happen and when its going to happen so that I can plan my life accordingly.
John Lennon once said "Life is what happens when you are too busy making plans."
I'm trying to figure out how a person can get through life without believing in God. When feeling completely lost, because of your choices or life's circumstances aren't going excatly how you had planned, and not having anyone to lean on. Or possibly only having yourself to lean on, but that doesn't often work out when you are too torn down and ragged to carry on.

In Jeremiah, God tells Jeremiah
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,

before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

"Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.~Jeremiah 1:5-7

God knew us BEFORE we were born, he knew us while we were growing inside the womb. He knew who we would be, and what we would look like, and who we would become before anyone else even met us. He made us each as special individuals, and set us a part from everyone else. The cliche` sayings "You are special." It's true! And not only that, God will always be there for us, when we become too frustrated with life and not knowing where we are going, and what we want, He WILL help us. We just need to tone down our pride and ask for help.