Thinking and feeling...

I've had time to think.... Think about life, changes, love and hurt.
In the book "Hind's Feet In High Place's" the Shepard says
"You can't have love without pain."
Love is exciting, it is exhilarating,
it is something fulfilling.
It feels nice.

The thought that when we need, we have that person,
who will be there to take our hand and make everything all better.
The person whose eyes we look into, and everything else just seems to disappear.
The person that tells you they can't imagine their life, without you in it,
and the person, where you feel the same.

The person that says "I want to spend forever with you."
And you want to spend forever with them.
The one person that made you laugh,
when you didn't even want to smile.
The one, when you were afraid to cry in front of others,
was their to catch you tears.
The look, the touch, that made you feel like
the only person in the room.

But love is also pain,
It can take just as much as it gives.
And it can end just as quickly as it began.
That point when the fears you used to have of
what is this is to good to be true?
Do become true, and it is no longer too good.
it is too horrible.

The pain, SO intense that you feel as if
everyone can see you crying on the inside,
even if you put on the brave face and smile.
The tears are gushing on the inside, and if people look
at you carefully enough, they can see your pain in your eyes.
The time that comes, when you stop looking at yourself
in the mirror, because you're afraid, that
if you see the pain in your eyes, you have to confront it.

You don't talk about it,
because you're afraid of how people will react.
Silly love, and heartache--they say it won't last forever.
But that's not what you want to hear,
Forever...it doesn't matter.
Time...loss...sometimes its all just too much
Tomorrow, next week...not forever,
All that you want is for the pain to end. Now.

I once had a friend say to me
"I can't hate him, even after all he has ever done to me
I love him too much to hate him."
I used to wonder how a person could not hate someone
after they broke their heart.
I never understood.
I never wanted to understand.

But now I do.
And it's not so much that I like the fact that I
allowed someone to make me feel this way.
Or that most people if they knew this is how I was feeling,
would scoff, or sigh and tell me to get over it.
Or even say that I have no right to feel this way,
because that person is a good person.
Or even that he was TOO good for me.
And its not that I'm saying he's bad or that he never was good
to me or for me.

I'm saying that right now, it hurts.
And there's more to the story
than what people see and hear.
The inadequacy that was felt,
the hurt, the fear,
the knowing that I could never live up to the expectation.
And the promises that could not be kept,
because I was ready for commitment,
but he wasn't.
That I was willing to change,
but he wasn't.
Hurts so much deep inside that I feel like the song
"Bother" by Stone Sour
(which ironically I heard from that one
person's Itunes).
"I wish I was to dead to care
if indeed I cared at all
never had the voice to protest
so you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season.
For this I gave up trying,
One good turn deserves me dying."

I know this all seems rather selfish,
me putting my feelings out here on display.
But the thing is,
It hurts.
A lot.

I don't want pity,
I don't want people to feel sorry for me.
I just want people to know that underneath
my smile and shining eyes,
that there is more.

The irony of it all,
is the being a psych major,
I know the text books rules and guidelines,
and how I'm supposed to process,
and how I'm supposed to deal.
But how I'm SUPPOSED to feel
versus how I DO feel.
They are not the same.

Plans...?

So, I love how whenever I think I have everything in my life all figured out, and then God humorously shows me that I have absolutely NO idea what I am doing. It's great fun. Not.
Sometimes, I feel like Elijah when God tells him to wait until the presence of the LORD passes by, and Elijah sees fire and earthquakes...and God is not in either of those. Or I feel like Bruce, in "Bruce Almighty" when he yells "God just give me a sign!!" And a sign truck drives by. Sometimes, I just want say to God "A sign...okay, I asked for one, care to be a little more specific?" And...God's not specific enough...or rather not specific enough in MY timing, which usually in my mind is more important at the time, than when God wants to carry out plans. Sometimes life takes patience.

"Patience is the ability to count down before blasting off." ~Anonymous~
I don't possess patience. I want to have everything figured out and know what's going to happen and when its going to happen so that I can plan my life accordingly.
John Lennon once said "Life is what happens when you are too busy making plans."
I'm trying to figure out how a person can get through life without believing in God. When feeling completely lost, because of your choices or life's circumstances aren't going excatly how you had planned, and not having anyone to lean on. Or possibly only having yourself to lean on, but that doesn't often work out when you are too torn down and ragged to carry on.

In Jeremiah, God tells Jeremiah
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,

before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

"Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.~Jeremiah 1:5-7

God knew us BEFORE we were born, he knew us while we were growing inside the womb. He knew who we would be, and what we would look like, and who we would become before anyone else even met us. He made us each as special individuals, and set us a part from everyone else. The cliche` sayings "You are special." It's true! And not only that, God will always be there for us, when we become too frustrated with life and not knowing where we are going, and what we want, He WILL help us. We just need to tone down our pride and ask for help.

The search for romance. . .

I always wanted to be Cinderella, and secretly, I probably always will. I think that women are born with some unexplainable desire within them, that makes them yearn for a story of true love. To know that they are worthy enough to have a man ride in on a white horse, and whisk us away. This fantastical want, could be in the form of Cinderella (which I fully admit is far-fetched but a nice thought all the same...), or Robin Hood and Maid Marian, or Ariel and Prince Erik, that fights to the death against a cruel sea monster. A rescue by a prince could even be as simple as a man stepping up to buy take a girl on a date, to tell her that she is beautiful, and to fight for her. Fighting is in simple acts such as putting his arm around her to secure his love for her in front of others.

But REAL love is more than the lovey-dovey, staring into each others eyes and saying "I love. you." As I was thinking over the idea of true love, and Prince Charming, I began to wonder is there really such a thing as Prince Charming or a Kniight in Shining Armor, that is so often protrayed in movies and books?? Can that kind of satisfaction and love ever be found?

My answer to this question is yes. Here's why.Prince Charming, is could be portrayed as a metaphor for God. God really, does ride in and save us from the evil dragons and step mothers of the world. The dragons and step mothers, are our sins, and temptations that we face in life.

Now let's just think for a minute. What does the valiant knight say to his fair maiden? It's usually something to the affect of a promise to love her unconditionally, and to protect her for all time. Which when you think about it is exactly what God promises to us. He promises His undying, inifite (which is a term that the Prince usually leaves out of his promises, because the Prince can't live forever. :p) and unshakeable and unbreakable love for his children.

So yes there is a Prince Charming, but different from the one that girls decide they need to find. But the best part is, is that God really can rescue us from the dragons and evil step moms in our life. And He will take care of us forever, no matter what. God can give us the ultimate satisfaction that people seek from love, that we can't find elsewhere.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
~1 Corinthians 13:4-8~

Looking Out

"Two men look out from behind the same bars
One sees mud;
The other sees the stars”
~Fredericke Langbridge~

Jeff grasped the cool metal bars of his cell window, and shook the with a rage full of pain deeper than he ever knew. The sky outside his cold, dank cell was grey and the heaviness of the darkness intruded upon his soul. Light had once shown from blue his eyes, but that light was now gone, and left his eyes looking grey. The ground outside was muddy from the rain that had been falling since his arrival, and scattered trash from his fellow inmates littered the grounds.
He was here because of what he had done. He had been desperate.
“No one will get hurt.” His friend had assured him as they made their plans.
Their plans were simple. They would rob a gas station. Jeff, would hold the cashier at gunpoint, but with an unloaded gun, and his friend, would put the money in the bag, and then they make a run for it. His friend, had told him to pretend like he was going to shoot the gun, even to pull to trigger, but it was all just for scare, because as he reminded Jeff, there would be no bullets in the gun.
Things quickly got out of hand. In the rush of adrenaline coursing through his veins, he did pretend to shoot the gun. But no one had remembered to check and see if the gun was loaded. And it was.
He shook the bars of his cell again. Shook them for his stupidity for not checking the gun, and for his ignorance for thinking he could actually get away with robbing the gas station, led to that fateful moment where he killed someone. He let out a yell that through which any person with feelings, could hear his pain and guilt.
Looking outside, his eyes came to rest on the muddy ground. He looked at the mud, that no doubt had been rich reddish dirt, but now lay sodden and grey. That was all he was now. Mud. Dirty, filthy, disgusting mud. He like the mud would be looked at in disgust for the rest of his life.
“…one man sees mud…”
******************************
Another man was in the cell with Jeff. This man was grey-haired and had a hint of compassion and kindness in his eyes. He had been here much, much longer than Jeff. He had watched Jeff, shake the bars, and listened to him yell.
No words had been spoken between them since Jeff’s arrival a few days ago. No words needed exchanging. He knew how Jeff felt…in a way. He knew he wasn’t like the other prisoner’s who felt no remorse at the thought of why there were here, and that he felt guilt and sorrow for what he had done. Whatever it had been.
This difference was, this old man’s pain wasn’t from killing someone. This man was innocent. He suffered from the guilt of knowing that his family had been murdered, and that he was still alive. He suffered from the indescribable anger of being wrongly accused and sitting in this cell year after year when he was innocent.
He breathed in a deep breath. It had taken him years to come to terms with his guilt, anger and sorrow. He had talked to God when he had a family. Infact he rather liked to think that he and God were friends. Then, he ended up here. And he didn’t talk to God for many years. In that time, his heart had become like stone. Then one night, he too had shaken the bars angrily and yelled all his anger out for the world to hear. But God had been merciful, and shown His love. Through the bars of his window, he had seen the stars. Really seen them.
He realized that if God were really there, and had really created everything, and he knew all the stars in the sky, surely God knew what was to be done with him. He suddenly felt so small and helpless, and in the moment he fell to the floor in adoration of God.
“…and the other sees the stars…”
***************************************************************
The old man got up form his bed and cautiously walked over to Jeff. Jeff was staring out the window looking intently on the mud. He put his hand on Jeff’s shoulder. “You may think you’re mud, but God doesn’t”

“ My people have been lost sheep; their Sheppard’s have led them astray and caused them to roam on the mountains. They wandered over mountain and hill and forgot their resting place…Yet their redeemer is strong; the LORD Almighty is His name. He will vigorously defend their cause…” Jeremiah 50:6 & 34

Whispers and despair

1 Kings 19:3-6 & 11-12

"Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day's journey into the desert. He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep.
All at once an angel touched him and said, "Get up and eat." He looked around, and there by his head was a cake of bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again. The angel of the LORD came back a second time and touched him and said, "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you."

....The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper."

How often have you felt torn down and over whelmed about life and what has been brought before you? How often have you just wanted to say "God. I can't do this!" But were too overcome with guilt, for giving up that you didn't ask God for help.

Elijah, one of the greatest prophets in the Bible, got to a point in life where he could not do it anymore, and he cried out to God, he even told God to take his life, because he felt so overwhelmed with what was before him. But God is merciful and loving and knows when we have had to much. God does not give us more than we can handle, he knows us each individually to the core of our soul, and if what gets presented before us does become too much, God will tell us ""Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you."" And He will nourish and replenish us from our despair.

It's often at these points in our lives, that we expect God to give a huge miraculous sign, declaring which way we are supposed to go. Or what we are supposed to do. It is at these times, that we often miss God's direction, because He doesn't always speak through big noticeable ways, often times, it is in a "gentle whisper."


What are you going through that you feel like you can't push through? Have you had enough? Have you called out to God in the depths of your despair and reached out to Him for help?
What gentle whispers are tugging at your heart? <3

Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."