Thinking and feeling...

I've had time to think.... Think about life, changes, love and hurt.
In the book "Hind's Feet In High Place's" the Shepard says
"You can't have love without pain."
Love is exciting, it is exhilarating,
it is something fulfilling.
It feels nice.

The thought that when we need, we have that person,
who will be there to take our hand and make everything all better.
The person whose eyes we look into, and everything else just seems to disappear.
The person that tells you they can't imagine their life, without you in it,
and the person, where you feel the same.

The person that says "I want to spend forever with you."
And you want to spend forever with them.
The one person that made you laugh,
when you didn't even want to smile.
The one, when you were afraid to cry in front of others,
was their to catch you tears.
The look, the touch, that made you feel like
the only person in the room.

But love is also pain,
It can take just as much as it gives.
And it can end just as quickly as it began.
That point when the fears you used to have of
what is this is to good to be true?
Do become true, and it is no longer too good.
it is too horrible.

The pain, SO intense that you feel as if
everyone can see you crying on the inside,
even if you put on the brave face and smile.
The tears are gushing on the inside, and if people look
at you carefully enough, they can see your pain in your eyes.
The time that comes, when you stop looking at yourself
in the mirror, because you're afraid, that
if you see the pain in your eyes, you have to confront it.

You don't talk about it,
because you're afraid of how people will react.
Silly love, and heartache--they say it won't last forever.
But that's not what you want to hear,
Forever...it doesn't matter.
Time...loss...sometimes its all just too much
Tomorrow, next week...not forever,
All that you want is for the pain to end. Now.

I once had a friend say to me
"I can't hate him, even after all he has ever done to me
I love him too much to hate him."
I used to wonder how a person could not hate someone
after they broke their heart.
I never understood.
I never wanted to understand.

But now I do.
And it's not so much that I like the fact that I
allowed someone to make me feel this way.
Or that most people if they knew this is how I was feeling,
would scoff, or sigh and tell me to get over it.
Or even say that I have no right to feel this way,
because that person is a good person.
Or even that he was TOO good for me.
And its not that I'm saying he's bad or that he never was good
to me or for me.

I'm saying that right now, it hurts.
And there's more to the story
than what people see and hear.
The inadequacy that was felt,
the hurt, the fear,
the knowing that I could never live up to the expectation.
And the promises that could not be kept,
because I was ready for commitment,
but he wasn't.
That I was willing to change,
but he wasn't.
Hurts so much deep inside that I feel like the song
"Bother" by Stone Sour
(which ironically I heard from that one
person's Itunes).
"I wish I was to dead to care
if indeed I cared at all
never had the voice to protest
so you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season.
For this I gave up trying,
One good turn deserves me dying."

I know this all seems rather selfish,
me putting my feelings out here on display.
But the thing is,
It hurts.
A lot.

I don't want pity,
I don't want people to feel sorry for me.
I just want people to know that underneath
my smile and shining eyes,
that there is more.

The irony of it all,
is the being a psych major,
I know the text books rules and guidelines,
and how I'm supposed to process,
and how I'm supposed to deal.
But how I'm SUPPOSED to feel
versus how I DO feel.
They are not the same.